Saturday, 12 March 2016


This post, or indeed this blog, isn't written for anyone else, it's written for me, it's my online diary.  The fact that people come and read it, and continue coming back and reading, is quite amazing, humbling and pleasing.  Having said that, this post is all about my feelings right now, it's not done for sympathy, it's all about getting things off my chest before everything overwhelms me.  I've suffered with depression in the past and was on antidepressants for 3 years, I've been well and off them for a year. 

However, things have been getting on top of me over the past few weeks and I can feel myself being dragged down again.  Since I've been going through the menopause, I really don't cope with stress or problems very successfully anymore - things that I wouldn't bat an eyelid over in the past and could just shrug off now seem to knock me for 6.  When problems arose a few years ago, I'd just get right on with sorting them. 

Husband's future reduced work arrangements (or rather, the lack of) have been dragging on for so long now - ok, they are close to being settled now, hopefully next week when his boss is back from holiday, but the stress of not knowing what he was going to be doing and his work's total inefficiency in getting their fingers out and sorting it out have just infuriated us both.  He put the written request in, on his work's advice, last October for Christ's sake!  We just feel like we're in total limbo until it's all done and dusted and the final details ironed out.  What was the point of them telling him he needed to make the formal request as early as possible, i.e. 6 months before he wanted to start his reduced hours, if they then don't get it all arranged until just THREE BLOODY WEEKS before he's due to start?

And then there's my close relative's possible cancer diagnosis, which still hasn't yet been formally diagnosed or even properly investigated, due to a catalogue of problems put up by the hospital.  Again, it was last October when she first went to her GP with her very particular concern.  I'm not going into all the details as it's not my story to tell....suffice it to say that if it was me, I'd have put a rocket up their arses weeks ago.  I so want to be there with her, but a) she lives a long way away, and b) she doesn't want me accompanying her to hospital, for a couple of reasons.  I do respect and understand her wishes - it's her illness, not mine.  But I'm really concerned and it feels like she's denying me the right or the opportunity to help her (except for one thing she's asked me to do which I'm not terribly keen on doing, and that in itself gives me a guilty conscience), and that's making it harder for me to cope with it.  And I feel bad and selfish for feeling that way.

I'm also having a lot of problems with a very good friend of mine....we've known each other well for 8 or 9 years, we have always got on so well, but despite that we do tend to butt heads occasionally, we are both equally stubborn.  It's got to the stage where we just can't seem to get on for more than a couple of days without falling out, I feel like it's all coming to an end and that saddens me so much, we've gone through a lot together. 

All this has meant that my insomnia, which I've suffered with my entire life, is just out of control right now, I'm lucky if I get 4 hours sleep in total a night.  Consequently, I'm shattered, completely knackered, which is clouding my judgement, giving me brain fog and making me extremely ratty (which my long-suffering husband is getting the brunt of, which he really doesn't deserve). 

I REALLY don't want to go back to the doctor, I REALLY don't want to be back on antidepressants, nor do I want sleeping pills.  I know things will settle down eventually, it's just a case of holding out for a little while longer, and accepting that I have to do something which I've never liked doing - taking a nap during the afternoon when I get really tired.

I think husband and I need to take time out and have a couple of days out, choosing to do something we both really like doing, like sightseeing, browsing round lovely little craft or artisan or second hand shops, and having a couple of nice meals out, and leaving all the problems at home for a few hours.  


  1. Oh dear - no wonder you're not sleeping well but it seems to me that you do know what you need to do to get through this tough patch - go and have your few days away and have a nice break with your hubby, it will do you good - you're right we don't bounce back or cope with issues as well as we did when we were younger - I'm the same - just remember the old saying 'one day all this will pass' and it will - hugs xxx

  2. Did I mention Nytol (in the blue box), it saved me many a time, might take a few nights for it to be fully effective but made a huge difference to me when I was at my wits end through lack of sleep.

  3. Bloody hell lady what a nightmare! Put Frozen on you tube but the F*** It all version and sing it at the top of your voice like no one is listening.
    I hope you find the brain energy needed to drag yourself out and try and chase the blues away with your lovely husband X ( easier said than done - bloody depression - been there, still wear the vest )

  4. Oh I know that feeling! Something happened to me last July so I found writing down my life story helped me. I have let couple of trusted people to read it but not everyone. Things will get easier - HUGS
    Julie xxxxxxx

  5. Getting it off your chest will help, dont keep it all bottled up, you will get through it and we are here to listen to your rants :-)

  6. as the others said, don't bottle it up, at our time of life we feel as if we should be in complete control and we never are. We live in an imperfect world, glossed over, very little can be real. I hope sleep comes to you, it's the first step, after a nights rest we can face more. Thinking of you, but if it gets really bad go to the car wash and scream your head off whilst in there.

  7. Oh Sooze, life is so hard sometimes but you seem to know how to cope when it comes down to the wire. Be kind to yourself and DO take time out with Hubby to enjoy the sunshine. Rant away on your blog whenever you feel the need. We will all read it and empathise with you. Get it off your chest and ...breathe.... xxx

  8. Hi. I know how you feel. I live alone and in the winter I have days when I am really depressed although I do try to get out if I can. Some nights I only sleep 3 or 4 hours but the following night I take one Nytol ( blue packet) and I do get a nights sleep which bucks me up. The summer is coming so keep your pecker up xxx

  9. It really sounds as if you and your husband need a little break away from all the stresses to enjoy each others company and do the things that calm and relax you. It is so hard to deal with when life throws all these worrying things at you, I feel your pain and hope you find a wat of getting through it without ending up on medication. xx

  10. Sorry you are feeling so low Sue, I can see your reasons for it, and understand your reasons for not wanting to take medication, but maybe you should pay your doctor a visit, depression is an illness caused by a chemical inbalance and you may just need a boost.


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